You're Not Alone - My Infertility Story

I initially wrote this blogpost on March 5th of this year. 9 days prior to the shelter in place and coronavirus quarantine. I was going back and forth about whether to share. I wrote the entire post and when I went to click "publish", I hesitated. So I saved it as a a draft.

Do you know why I hesitated? Yes, because it's personal. But mostly because it's shameful. It is the year 2020, and it is considered shameful for a woman to share her infertility story with the world. Both internal and external shame. External shame in the sense that... there seems to be a lot of unsolicited advice when it comes to sharing. "Just relax and it will happen." "Have you tried this?" "My cousin's sister's friend went on a low carb diet...and BLAH BLAH BLAH." Internal shame because I feel broken at times. Like there is something wrong with me. Like I am not worthy. While I know the stories I tell myself are not true, it can feel overwhelming at times.

Grief is a funny thing. You can try with all your might to avoid it. To walk away. But then you find yourself scrolling through social media and seeing yet another pregnancy announcement, and the tears hit. I have talked to my therapist a lot lately about the concept of grief. About really feeling it. And the thing with infertility grief is that it is a rollercoaster and the grief never really goes away. Of course, there are coping mechanisms that I use to manage it. But the best thing I can do to process through the grief is to feel it.

After I shut my laptop closed and walked away from the blog, COVID-19 hit. And I was notified by my fertility clinic's office that they were halting treatment plans. Well that grief... it morphed from a sad/broken feeling to a pissed the hell off rage feeling. I completely understood why they were stopping the treatment plan. But I just felt angry. There was this burning pit in my stomach and I had to get it out. So after processing for a few days, I whipped out my phone and posted on social media a picture of a negative pregnancy test sharing a brief caption about our situation. Paul turned to me and asked, "Are you sure you want to share? I am good with it, but want to make sure you are too?" I knew the answer. I was ready to share. Ready to unload this 500 pound weight wrapped around my neck that we had been dealing with for the last year and a half. And I also knew that by sharing my story, I was not only speaking my truth... but also making other women feel less alone.

So I clicked "post." And took a deep breath. Nausea coursed through my body. But then I started to read the comments, the likes, but more importantly... the messages I got from other women who were also secretly going through this. SO many others that I had no clue they were experiencing the same thing. But no one was talking about it. (For the reasons I shared above). Imagine feeling this insane sense of grief, but only being able to talk about it with your partner? Having infertility..miscarriages..loss.. and getting up everyday having to smile and force your way through the motions. Without openly sharing it. According to the CDC, 12% of women have difficulty getting and staying pregnant. So take a look at your follower list, because 12% of those women may be going through this.

From the beginning of my journey starting this business, I have preached authenticity. Being true to myself, being true to my clients, and being vulnerable to allow others to know that they too aren't alone. But for the last year, I have kept something private because of the uncertainty and grief that Paul and I were experiencing. And that was our infertility journey.

In August 2017, I went to the doctor to get an MRI done for my pelvis. I had hurt my back/SI Joint and they wanted to run some imaging. I checked the results a few days later and saw that the radiologist stated "polycystic ovaries noted." Having no idea what the hell that was, I contacted my OB and got in a few weeks later to see her. She ran some blood work on me to test my insulin and hormone levels. Both came back normal.

Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is a hormonal disorder common among women of reproductive age. 10% of women (or more) have the syndrome. Women with PCOS may have infrequent or prolonged menstrual periods or excess male hormone (androgen) levels. The ovaries may develop numerous small collections of fluid (follicles) and fail to regularly release eggs. These are the polycystic ovaries that the radiologist noted. But my periods were normal. My hormone levels were normal. And so were my insulin levels. So my doctor told me that in order to be formally diagnosed with PCOS, you had to have at least 2 symptoms. I only had the polycystic ovaries, so I wasn't formally diagnosed. She assured me that all is well and I shouldn't worry.